Seasons of marriage ebb and flow. I am not sure if you are like me, but I can only really remember dreaming about one specific season…married with kids. For as long as I can remember, my thoughts of being married included my husband, myself and a passel of kids. I could envision dinners, holidays, trips, reading storybooks, bedtime rituals, and all these sweet scenes dancing in my head. Now, I knew there would be challenging days, but we don’t dream about those. What I never realized is, in the realm of married life, parenting happens to be a pretty short season in the reality of things. What else should I be dreaming about?
In the beginning, some dream of the newlywed phase. Setting up house, learning the routine of living with one another, and the carefree fun of a permanent sleepover come to mind in this dreamy season. It is interesting as I reflect back in my dreaming period; I never really knew anyone in this phase of life as they navigated through it. Hard to dream about something for which you have little frame of reference. As I look around now, this stage of the adventure is long for some and short for others, hinging greatly on the level of desire for children.
Children come and the season of married and parenting has several stages. There is the sweet but tired stage of newborns. Oh the smell of Baby Magic, sour breath and squishy rolls of folded skin! The frequent visits in the middle of the night can make being fully awake and present during this short, new phase challenging. But soon, we are off to chasing little ones who crawl and then walk. This is followed by preschool, grade school, extracurricular activities, sleepovers, middle school, hormonal meltdowns, high school, driving cars and dating, and decisions about the future. You may think that was a quick summary, but it goes just about that fast. These adventures overlap and cycle many times depending on the number of children you have. However, this adventure always concludes, the craziness departs your home; leaving you back where you started—alone, together. What’s next?
I wonder where you could find the average of the longest marriages. Can’t seem to find those statistics. So maybe I will work backwards. Shooting high, I will put the average life expectancy at 80. Then I will set the average age of marriage at 26…seems to keep going up. The average wait to have kids when married is 3 years. Add to this the average number of children, which I choose to round up to 3 because I like kids. Lastly, the average space between children is 30 months. Throw all these numbers in a pot and I come up with 54 years of marriage, 3 pre kids, 23 with kids and 28 post kids (that middle number is through high school–the daily kid stuff). In reality, if you track with the averages, you will not have hit your halfway mark of marriage when the family days are complete. In total, you will have 31 years of alone/togetherness. Have you been dreaming about this time together?
Enough math for today…start dreaming! You have chosen to spend your life with this man you married. Can you, if put on the spot, state exactly why you love and chose him? Meditate frequently on the wonderful, unique and special attributes of the person you are doing life with. Sharing adventures together build your love. Do you schedule times for adventure and reconnecting? What dreams do you have as a couple after the kids are grown and have families of their own? Despite feeling like it sneaks up on you, growing old happens one day at a time. We need to be intentional with our relationships; they need nurturing just as much as our children do. Plan, implement and live out your dreams!
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